


My What A Guy, that King Bard!

by agirlmustwrite



Category: Beauty and the Beast (1991), Beauty and the Beast (2017), TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Disney Songs, Disney crossover, Gen, Inspired by Disney, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:05:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9195422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlmustwrite/pseuds/agirlmustwrite
Summary: Bard:Who does he think he is?That dwarf has tangled with the wrong man!No one says "no" to King Bard!Thranduil:Darn right.Bard:Dismissed! Rejected!Publicly humiliated! Why, that miserable swine!Thranduil:More wine?Bard:What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.Thranduil:Who, you? Never! Bard, you've got to pull yourself together-~-Or, a song parody that was inspired solely on the fact that Luke Evans is playing Gaston in the upcoming Beauty and the Beast Live Action





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oh dear, how do I explain this? So I was watching the Beauty and the Beast Trailers, and it finaly hit me: Bard is Gaston. So this little thingamabob is a paradoy of the much Beloved Gaston song: Battle of the Five Armies style. This is pure unadulterated crack, and is not meant to be taken seriously. So please enjoy!  
> Disclaimer: I just wrote this instead of sleeping the night before going back to school. If I wear Tolkien, or Disney, I'd be enjoying my eternal sleep right now.

**Bard** :   
Who does he think he is?   
That dwarf has tangled with the wrong man!   
No one says "no" to King Bard!

 **Thranduil** :   
Darn right.

 **B** **ard** :

Dismissed! Rejected! 

Publicly humiliated! Why, that miserable swine!  
**Thranduil:**   
More wine?   
**Bard** :   
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.   
**Thranduil** :   
Who, you? Never! Bard, you've got to pull yourself together.   
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, King Bard   
Looking so down in the dumps   
Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, King Bard   
Even when taking your lumps   
There's no man in town as admired as you   
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy   
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you   
And it's not very hard to see why   
No one's slick as King Bard   
No one's quick as King Bard   
No one's bow's as incredibly thick as King Bard's   
For there's no man in town half as committed   
Perfect, a pure paragon!   
You can ask any elf,man or Alfrid   
And they'll tell you who king slayed a dragon!   
**Thranduil And Chorus** :   
No one's been like King Bard   
A king pin like King Bard   
**Thranduil** :   
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like King Bard   
**Bard** :   
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating!   
**Thranduil and Chorus** :   
My what a guy, that King Bard!   
Give five "hurrahs!"   
Give twelve "hip-hips!"   
**Thranduil** :   
King Bard is the best   
And the rest is all drips   
**Chorus** :   
No one fights like King Bard   
Douses lights like King Bard   
**Thranduil** :   
No one smuggles twelve dwarves through men’s shites like King Bard!   
**Bardlings** :   
Yes our Da’s generosity at its pinnacle   
**Bard** :   
As you see I've got groups hugs to spare!   
**Thranduil** :   
Not a bit of him's selfish or cynical   
**Bard** :   
That's right!   
Unless your under five foot and covered with hair!   
**Chorus** :   
No one hits like King Bard   
Matches wits like King Bard   
**Thranduil** :   
In a spitting match nobody spits like King Bard   
**Bard** :   
I'm especially good at expectorating!   
Ptoooie!   
**Chorus** :   
Ten points for King Bard!   
**Bard** :   
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs   
Ev'ry morning to help me get large   
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs   
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!   
**Chorus** :   
Oh, ahhh, wow!   
My what a guy, that King Bard!   
No one shoots like King Bard   
Makes those beauts like King Bard   
**Thranduil** :   
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like King Bard   
**Batd** :   
I use fishing nets in all of my decorating!   
**Chorus** :   
My what a guy,   
King Bard!

 

_“Help! Please! Help!”_

_Snapping out of his musings, Bard’s eyes turned to the small intruder, and his eyes widened._

_“Master Hobbit? How did you escape the mountain?”_

_“No time to explain! Please! You need to help me! He’s-He’s gone mad!”_

_“Steady, halfling,” Thranduil commented in his usual deadpan. “We all know the so called ‘King under the Mountain’ has gone mad.”_

_Bard prepared himself as he saw the small hobbit puff up as his mouth shifted into a serious frown._

_“Okay, first off, I'm not_ **_half_ ** _of_ **_anything_ ** _, your highness,” Master Baggins spat out the title. “Second, he is king of the mountain. Or, at least he would be, of it wasn't for this.”_

_Out of his pocket, the little burglar procured the most exotic looking stone Bard had ever seen in his life. From the gasp beside him, he had a pretty good idea of what exactly it was._

_“How did you get that?”_

_“Took it as my fourteenth share,” the hobbit said nonchalantly. “It's yours. But, only if you use it as a trading tool. Your share, his jewels, for this stone. I care for these dwarves. Even his majestic royal highne.And I don't want them harmed. So do we have a deal?”_

_Mulling over Master Baggins’ proposition, and trying to hold back the urge to pinch the cheeks of the tiny little creature- they puffed out when he frowned, like a chipmunk!- he turned to Thranduil, and motioned for them to discuss it in the corner of the tent._

**Bard** :   
Thranduil, I'm afraid I've been thinking   


_“Wait? Why are you singing?”_

  
**Thranduil** :   
A dangerous pastime   
  
**Bard** :   
I know.   
But that sweet little Hobbit is Thorin's lover

 

 _“Wh-why I never-!”_   


**Bard:**

And our chances of a treaty are low  
Now the wheels in my head have been turning   
Since I looked at that shiny rock   
See, Thorin promised in the square that we'd be getting our share   
And right now I'm evolving a plot!   
**Bard** :   
If I . . . (whisper)   
**Thranduil** :   
Yes?   
**Bard** :   
Then we . . . (whisper)   
**Thranduil** :   
No! Would he...   
**Bard** :   
(whisper) Guess!   
**Thranduil** :   
Now I get it!   
**BOTH** :   
Let's go!   
No one plots like King Bard

 

 _“Aaaaannndd now their dancing..”_   
  
****

**Bard** :   
Takes cheap shots like King Bard   
**Thranduil** :   
Plans to blackmail hairy crackpots like King Bard   
**Bard** :   
Yes, I'm endlessly, wildly resourceful   
**Thranduil** :   
As down to the depths we’ll descend   
**Bard** :   
Though I will be mildly remorseful   
**BOTH** :   
Just as long as we get what we want in the end

 

_“Wait, what?”_

 

 **Bard** :   
Who has brains like King Bard?   
**Thranduil** :   
Entertains like King Bard?   
**BOTH** :   
Who can make up these endless refrains like King Bard?   
And Durin’s death we soon will be celebrating!

 

“ _Wait, WHAT?!?”_

 

 **Both and Chorus:**   
My what a guy   
King Bard!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this really stupid thing! Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
